Clean Up Clean Up

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I feel like going to the beach

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And so I woke up, thinking that it’s such a beautiful day…seven windows occupy my room walls, and I intentionally never let anyone put up curtains to cover them. I like seeing the sky..and I find it indescribably pretty when the morning sunlight hits my bed. I like the feeling of being connected with both the sun and the sky.

And it’s also a beautiful day, because I have nothing on my agenda. Usually there’s always something I need to submit or attend, but fortunately not today. At times like this, I choose to make very good friends with my bed. I love my bed, and it has always been black and white. My bedsheet is white, and so are the pillowsheets. And this week, my blanket comes with black and white stripes.

But why do I feel sad? Isn’t it supposed to be a beautiful day? I feel there’s something off beam. I feel….lonely. That ugly feeling that gradually creeps inside me, but I deny every now and then by keeping myself busy.

Some people may not realize, but the number of friends or the quality times we get to spend with our friends actually decrease from time to time. Not that they become enemies, but they just get farther from you. My friends seem to sit on the outer side of an expanding ball that keeps growing bigger, and here I sit on the very core, struggling as it feels more distant to reach out.

My friends and I still live within the same sphere though, so I know that they are and will always be around. We all just grow, evolve, branch out, which is why the ball grows bigger. There’s nothing wrong with it, of course. I just want…someone to stay with me in this very core.

I want my S. To be here. To stick around. To follow me wherever I go. To annoy me. I am willing to give up on my windows and let them be curtained if that is what anyone wants. As long as you’re here. Beside me.

Don’t you know, S? You’re the weirdest man I have even seen in my life. Your hair is weird, and so is your hairstyle. I actually think your face looks different in all of your pictures. Are you a giant lizard? And your head is huge. But your eyes, I like the way they look at me. With you, I feel loved for whoever I am. I trust you. I trust your pretty eyes.

In between everything I have done till today, I just wished you were there. To witness all. To look at me when I needed someone to land my eyes on when I was nervous. To smile at when I remembered a joke. But that time will come. Right, S?

Je t'aime.