You may have heard about the Kraft Guacamole Kerkuffle of 2006. Then again, maybe not - the upshot is that a woman in Los Angeles was upset to find that the Kraft guacamole she bought to serve friends contains virtually no avocado. Modified food starch, skim milk, green food coloring, sure, but just a teensy bit (like 2%) avocado.

So what's a girl to do when her industrially-produced snack dip disappoints? Apparently, a girl sues. (ETA: It appears that our little claimant may not be unassisted in her search for Truth Justice and the Guacamole Way. Check out the link at the bottom of this encouraging potential avocado litigants to fill out a complaint about their guacamole disappointments which will then be evaulated by a lawyer "at no charge".)

A friend with whom I was discussing the matter maintains that Kraft is 100% in the wrong with this one, that their labeling practices were/are deceptive and that the entire company should be force fed authentic guacamole until it comes out their collective ears. I think the woman in question must be a bit loco at the least and perhaps even a bit mercenary (Hey! I know, Kraft has lots of, uh, dough! I'll sue them!) at the worst.

Goodness knows I prefer real, minimally-processed food as much as the next girl and I certainly know the disappointment and d'oh feelings that come with finding out that something you're eating isn't quite what you thought it was (go ahead, ask me about the red dye #40 I poured down the Boy Wonder's gullet in the form of YOGURT! or the high fructose corn syrup we ingested that had been disguised as salsa) but here's the thing: we have labeling laws and Kraft followed them. The information that would have prevented this consumer from purchasing the "guac" was available and clearly printed just as it is for nearly every food product commercially available in every supermarket in the country. Just as I fell down on the job not perusing our yogurt for dyes, this woman made an assumption about a specialty product produced by a decidedly non-specialty mass-market company. No where did craft ever claim "chock full of perfectly ripe, totally healthy avocados!".

And, purely as an aside, this person lives in Los Angeles! You cannot tell me that she had no access to freshly made, wonderful guacamole. Really. Los Angeles, people. Sheesh.

Anyway, whatever. I'm no fan of Kraft in general but I really don't think they did anything wrong here. Most of us know that "juice cocktail" isn't really juice and fruit roll-ups aren't really fruit, boxed mac-and-cheese generally doesn't have cheese (ironically, Kraft's famous blue and yellow boxed mac-and-cheese used to actually be the "cheesiest" as their ads went, but I recall reading recently that it now contains next to no cheese, a nod to cost-reduction) and candy corn isn't corn. Do we really need a lawsuit to establish that the mass-market, shelf-stable guacamole really isn't?

Guacamole is super easy to make. And for everyone who has ever made their own, there are probably scores of recipes. I usually use two dead-ripe avocados (they need to be softer than what you'd use sliced on a sandwich) smashed with a fork, the juice of a lime or two, some finely chopped onion and garlic, some chopped tomato, a spot each of salt and ground cumin (freshly ground, if you can), a bit of chopped cilantro and, heck, maybe a bit of cayenne. Basically, make it with whatever you have around. If I'm pressed for time I'll just mix up a bit of salsa with the smashed avocado and then some lime juice.

Like so many things, guacamole is a matter of taste and preference. If you don't care for colored food starch, read your labels and shop accordingly.

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I was having yet another What To Make For Dinner conversation with a friendly acquaintance when I mentioned that I really wanted to make biscuits to go with that night's chili but didn't have time so I'd probably make beer bread instead. At this she looked at me as if I had just told her I would feed my kids braised glass for dinner.

"You make beer bread?" she asked, "How? Isn't that worse than making biscuits?" She shuddered and added a comment on her devotion to whack-'em tubes of crescent rolls.

There may well be a hard way to make beer bread but if there is I don't know about it. The way my mom taught me is crazy easy (strangely, although she gave me the recipe and method I use - which Google shows as the most common - I have no memory of her ever making a loaf). Once I told my pal how to do it, her eyes brightened and she said she'd make some just as soon as she could get her hands on some self-rising flour, that not being the kind of thing that many of us keep around. Seems she got the idea after having some beer bread fondue at a local pub that it was hard to make, required lots of tedious kneading and resting as so many breads do and that the process is just generally harder than whacking a tube of prefab rolls.

Not so. Beer bread is more of a quick bread than anything else, and there's no kneading required. In fact, I'd venture to say that in a reasonably well-ordered kitchen, whipping up a loaf of beer bread might well be just as fast or even more so than whacking and separating refigerator rolls.

For crazy easy beer bread, preheat your oven to 375 degrees. Mix well three cups of self-rising flour, three tablespoons of white sugar and 12 oz. of beer (canned or bottled, whatever type you like - cheap beer makes just as good a bread as expensive, but every beer adds a distinct flavor, we prefer lighter beers for bread). Pat the sticky dough into an oiled or sprayed loaf pan and bake for one hour. Allow to cool a spell before cutting. You can use regular flour, too, but add three teaspoons baking powder and a teaspoon and a half of salt - things that self-rising flour already includes. Since a five pound bag of self-rising is fairly inexpensive and makes several loaves, I don't bother with the more complicated version. As always, your mileage may vary, blah, blah, blah.

Sure, the bread must bake for an hour but that's an hour when you can be off doing something else and not standing by the stove or watching the clock for kneading intervals. Since not being subject to any kind of drudgery is a key to enjoying the cooking process, I don't think the ability to ignore the bread for a whole hour can be over-regarded. If you have leftover, let it harden over night and crunch it up to make breadcrumbs to coat tomorrow night's chicken breasts (which you'll put out to thaw tonight) and there is another evening's dinner already planned and ready to go.

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