I had to throw away two jars of mango jam yesterday. Very disappointing. Besides the obvious lesson, which is to take your canning safety seriously (could I ever have forgiven myself if my son was made ill via his PB&J?) it got me to thinking about those times when you do everything right and still stuff gets mucked up.


    In college I studied languages, learned lots of applications and different operating systems, had several excellent co-ops (all activities billed as rendering me ready and perfect for the job market) and yet, in graduating into the recession of the early 90s, found myself pounding the pavement competing for temp positions. It's been 11 years now (I'm no longer considered a "young alum" by my alma mater) and I think I've caught up but those first years of working were difficult, because I did everything I was told would make me very competitive and it turned out there were thousands of kids just like me and companies could hire PhDs for the same cost as my little ole' BS. Things are worse now for new grads, and I just can't imagine what it must be like being out there new to the workforce with little to offer when so many with excellent resumes and track records are on the bench and you just can't compete.


    Or take my sister-in-law's good friend who just gave birth, except she won't be taking her baby home. "Lisa" is ridiculously fit, never smokes or drinks, eats a good and varied diet and took prenatals for months before even trying to become pregnant, would leave the room in the presence of a litter box or unpasteurized cheese, and gained the recommended and physician-sanctioned 25 pounds exactly. And yet...her daughter was stillborn. She did everything right, left nothing to chance, but her baby will not be sleeping in the basinette in the corner of her bedroom.


    Then there's my friend "Gina". She and her husband prepared for their marriage like it was the bar exam. They took extra preparation classes, communication classes, household management classes, sex classes. Once married, they kept weekly date night sacred through three kids and two cross-country moves - and took yearly, kid-free vacations to keep connected. But now he's fallen in love with a colleague and says that Gina never really understood him. She says he's right.


    I guess sometimes it all just hits the fan and there's absolutely nothing we can do. As a Type-A control freak in (tenuous) recovery I find this hard to take. I want to feel that if I do everything I'm supposed to do, make all As, remember to pack a raincoat and check all my seals for leakage that nothing bad will happen to me or anyone I care about. Unrealistic, I know. Doesn't change my inner voice, though (the one that's keeping me up at 4:45 a.m. writing this and thinking about what has to be done today), and it doesn't stop me from trying to fix everyone's lives so that I don't have to feel sad for them. And it doesn't stop me from putting "make more mango jam" on the already too long to-do list. It's my son's favorite so I have to make it - just hope I don't screw it up this time.

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    When I left my last corporate job two and a half years ago much of my family and many of my friends thought I was nuts. I had been working for a well known professional services firm, received much professional admiration from having a cutting edge title (I had to supply a business card to my father to prove that "Knowledge Manager" was, indeed, an actual job) and truly enjoyed my colleagues, if not my management. Leaving was a calculated risk, though, and one that I knew I couldn't let pass. Since then, I've worked steadily (although not constantly) and am pleased and proud to have been able to support my family while my husband finishes school. It turns out that the solo working life suits me.


    So why is it then that the thought of going further with this little experiment scares the h-e-double-hockey-sticks out of me? Do we all have a built in risk threshold and I've come up against mine? I have this idea and have scoured the earth looking for reasons not to pursue it and can find none other than my fear. So what's the problem? I have a small amount of capital ready to invest and am confident I can start on a shoestring, am rolling off my current project just before I go onto my self-scheduled and self-funded maternity leave and will have some time to put together a plan (don't laugh! I started grad school and got pregnant with my first in the same month and left my job when he was 9 months old, so I think I can multi-task here, too). Again, so what's the problem? Why can't I just say outloud that I'm starting another company and close this latest chapter of my life. Maybe it's the idea of leaving myself rather than some company that cared little about my actual competencies and more about my ability to be a warm body. Maybe it's that I know that leaving behind a good thing is much harder than leaving behind a mediocre thing.


    In mulling over these issues and rereading all of my "Gen-X entrepreneur" books I came across a passage where a women relayed the story of her dithering over writing a book she knew she had in her. Finally, her frustrated companion said, "Someday you'll be in a book store and see your book on the shelf, but written by someone else. And you're going to have to live with that."


    Yikes.

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    I am a very tired woman. Scratch that. I am a very tired woman with a very messy kitchen and I should be shot for using so many dishes at one go. Oh well, as annoyed as I am with myself now, I know that I'll be glad for it all in the end.


    My freezer is now harboring large batches of both black bean and split pea soup, as well as several kinds of muffins (these are for the bonfire party this Saturday). It always feels so good to put stuff in the freezer, like a "get out of jail free" card for those inevitable days when I just can't face the thought of cooking but am nearly crazed with hunger when 6:30 rolls around. As much as I love to cook there are at least a few such days each month.


    We actually had some of the black bean soup last night for dinner, with a nice french bread on the side. Very yummy. The Boy Wonder surprised and pleased us by asking for both plain yogurt and lime juice in his and then eating it all and wanting seconds. Dinner tonight was leftover roast chicken and succotash with rice pilaf. I also made a wilted lettuce salad, which is possibly the worst salad you can eat, health-wise, but it is so very delicious. If I have time tomorrow dinner will be shells stuffed with crab and bechamel (double batch with extras going into the freezer, natch).


    Using my last jar of home canned diced tomatoes reminded me of my committment to myself to do something about the garden situation. The current garden is too far from the house to be tended to conveniently and, as it is somewhat down a hill, cannot be seen from the house. This situation (along with a poor summer in terms of weather and my disinclination to do much due to morning sickness) led to our garden being stop number one on the deer and rabbit buffet hit parade. So we're moving the garden closer to the house via a series of raised beds roughly 4' X 6' in four rows of three. I'm hoping that proximity to both the house and the dog run will discourage our neighborhood creatures from partaking of my veggies. We shall see.


    Anyway, my point with this is that we also prepared some areas with mulch and manure. I've covered the areas where the beds will go with 8-10 layers of newspaper (weeds here are more like super-plants so I'm seriously concerned that this wasn't enough) and then put the manure on top of that. Throughout the winter I'll pile our compostable waste over the bed areas and the in the spring we'll be ready for a final layer of compost and mulch. If all the stars are in alignment we will have all the tomatoes, squash, peppers, beans, greens, etc. that we can eat (plus leftover for sharing and canning). Still, I'm thinking of joining a CSA just to cover my bases.


    The weekend was rounded out by pumpkin buying and preparing the bonfire site. Some of our smaller pumpkins will be cut into luminaria to decorate the area around the fire but we made sure to get a nice big one for our family jack-o-lantern. The Boy has made it clear that he expects a "scaredy face". I am sure we can accommodate him.

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